September 10, 2010

"depression" is not a dirty word

I have not been blogging that much or really doing much of anything. Last month I tried to get my house organized and clean for the start of our school year but could not seem to make head way. I would bust through a room, tear everything out, clean things up and then be unable to put it all back. I found myself with piles of stuff every where that I had started to work on but never finished. Tears were always hovering in my eyes. Nights were long and restless. Food lost its taste. I was completely overwhelmed.

But I denied it all.

I hid it the best I could and played the part of a busy home schooling mom. I over compensated and filled my children's schedule to the point of not being home to HOME school. I was tired and snapping at everyone.

But I made excuses and shifted the focus off what was really going on.

Somewhere in my mind I thought "depression" was a naughty word and you just don't talk about it. That "depression" was an excuse to blame something besides yourself for not doing well. In my mind the only "real depression" was for those that "had really serious issues like the loss of a loved one". And that most people suffering from it just needed to suck it up and deal with it. I also thought having it meant one's faith was weak. I saw my pastor to find out how to fix things spiritually. He gave me great advice but he also asked if I thought I could be depressed. I assured him I was NOT.

After losing our friend last month I really fell apart. I became afraid to drive the road he died on. Afraid to let my children out of my sight. Afraid that as I watched Hubby drive away to work that he might not come home. The tears came and would not stop. Sleep was hard to come by even with sleep aids. I was now screaming and griping at family all the time over stupid stuff.

But I still refused to admit there was a problem.
After all I didn't want to kill myself or hurt anyone else and that is what depression *is*. Right?

Then Hubby and I had a talk. I told him how I am feeling and said "it must be hormonal or because of my ex-EDD coming up" and put the blame on myself for not praying hard enough. I did agree to see a DR just to fix the "hormones".

I went this last week to a new Family Practice DR that was recommended. She spent 5 hrs with me talking and running a ton of blood work. She agreed that I am having "hormonal issues" and possibly thyroid troubles but she told me that my symptoms were also part of depression. I cried and she said it would be OK. She gave me a prescription for Celexa and scheduled a recheck in 6 wks along with a visit to an Endocrinologist for my hormone and thyroid issues.There is hope.

I started my meds yesterday. Today is the first day in a LONG time that I haven't cried. The tears that have sat on the edge of my eyes threatening to fall are not there. I slept better last night. I know this is not a quick fix. I plan to call my marriage therapist and start seeing him again.  Hubby and I are making plans to help remove some of the chaos and burden I have been carrying. After volleyball ends next month I am not going to over schedule our family. Because I am overwhelmed by all the stuff in my house I am joining in a garage sale at the end of the month. We will keep having Friday Shabbat meals and encouraging one another with the progress we are making. One step at a time.

I do worry about my ex-EDD coming on Sept 30 and I am not sure how I will handle that.  My friends are all due then too and it is going to be hard to not be envious of their happy babymoons. I have lost 4 babies before this one and none hurt like this. I am not sure why this has hit me so hard and has caused this depression like it has.

I do covet your prayers.


  1. I will pray for you, as I have been doing. The difference in this pregnancy loss and the others is the work you went through to get pregnant with this baby. It is also due to the change of your heart, and the change of your spirit since your last pregnancy.

    Depression is real and God has given our doctors wisdom to treat it.

    Much love to you girl.

  2. I am glad that you are seeking answers and continuing to seek God. I recognize myself in so much of what you say and I am still on my own path to recovery. I pray that your doctors are understanding and wise in how the treat and counsel you. I pray that you come out on the other side victorious and stronger.

  3. Autumn,
    I haven't talked to you in awhile, but you are always in my prayers. I am soooo sorry about the loss of your friend. I do know how painful that is because June 21, Emily's due date, my ex and very close friend commited suicide. I was devastated almost beyond the point of no return. I literally couldn't breath at times. It still strikes me and theres not a day that goes by that he is not somewhere in my thoughts. I have lots of news to tell you, so if you get a chance, call me. I will txt you my number so you can call me on my house phone and that way I can hear better than on my cell.



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Words of Faith

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:27

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5