February 12, 2010

precious memories

how they linger
how they ever haunt my soul...

I am finally at a place where I can post about my ectopic pregnancy. All I have are memories and a few photographs. My surgery scars are already faded. Of course the DR used my reversal scar for one hole and my belly button for the other but this has healed faster than any surgery I had before. Anyways, not much left to remember a life taken too soon.

As my friends know I have an addiction to pregnancy tests...specifically peeing on them then ripping them apart in hopes to see some micro faint line...because I am using them usually way too soon. "Hi, I'm Mrs T and I am a POASaholic." *waving*

I tested the night of Jan 19 or 11dpo according to my chart and was very surprised to get a BIG FAT POSITIVE that I didn't have to rip apart the test to see. I was up all night just so happy that I cried and praised God until I finally fell asleep. I attacked Mr T that morning as he prepared for work and told him and we rejoiced together. Over the next week I tested with various tests hoping and praying the lines would be darker and the magical "pregnant" would appear on the digital test. I had good symptoms and so I was not too worried that this wasn't a "keeper".
I had my first blood work up done on Wednesday Jan 20 and the numbers were a bit troubling. My hcg was 16 and progesterone was 11. My midwives worried over the low numbers but I wasn't worried. I saw an OBGYN and was reassured my numbers were still ok it was just early.

By the next Sunday I was hurting. The pain was dull like a strained muscle deep in my left hip. I texted my midwives, friends and my reversal sisters for reassurance and took it easy. Then in church my back popped and the pain was gone so I wrote it all off as a bone out of place and moved on.

The pain came back the next Saturday and was so bad by that night Hubby took me to the ER. I was given an ultrasound but at 5wks no one expected to see anything one way or the other. I was admitted and stayed for 24 hrs so my hcg and blood count could be watched. When I was released the pain was almost gone, my hcg was 1354, and my blood count steady so the DR was cautiously optimistic. I was told to get another blood draw and ultrasound that week to follow up and see him if needed.

I had my lab work on Tuesday and the ultrasound Wednesday morning Feb 3rd. Hubby stayed home from work to take me as I don't drive in Dallas and for moral support. We were so excited to see our baby for the first time! After what seemed like forever the tech doing the scan could not find the baby in the uterus. As she was about to give up thinking it still too early she saw it. A tiny mass on my left side with a small pulsing heart beat.

I was devastated.

She took many photos and had me go get Hubby who was in the waiting room with the kids. We were given a report and a call was made to the DR. The tech hugged me and I cried as she said "No charge today."

We stopped for lunch but I couldn't eat. I couldn't stop crying. My heart was breaking. We got home and Hubby told our children what was going on and we waited for the DR's call. The call came at 2pm so we dropped off the children with Hubby's boss who is also a good friend. At the Dr's office the OBGYN did another u/s just to be sure. "No charge for this one" he said and then he explained the surgery, the costs and how he would cut it to bare minimum, and my follow up care. He admitted me straight from his office to the hospital so we would not have to pay that night.

I was not an "emergency case" so I had to wait my turn for OR. A friend came and sat with us and our Pastor and his wife came and prayed. Pastor helped to ease my heart ache that I was choosing to end a life that had a heartbeat. "It is not a moral sin," he said over and over. No matter what the baby would die by surgery or my tube rupturing in which case I could die too.

The Dr cried with us. The OR nurses held my hand and prayed with me with tears in their eyes. God was there every moment and every step. We were truly blessed even through the heart break.

Surgery was easy and I was home just a few hours after. The DR was able to save my tube and he left it open to avoid adding more scar tissue. That ended up causing some female issues and more pain landing us in the ER again days later. The DR said that he will do an HSG (dye test) in 3 mo. He said of course another ectopic pregnancy could happen but this pregnancy and surgery could have opened everything up for a normal pregnancy. Only God knows. We have not made decisions on future fertility but do know nothing permanent will be done.

So that is it. All I have left is a few pictures of peed on HPTs and a grainy ultrasound pic. 25 DPO is all the time I had with that little one on this earth. I can't wait to get to heaven and spend an eternity with all my babies and my Savior!

2 Samuel 12 (King James Version)

 22And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?
 23But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.


  1. Thanks for sharing your story. I had gotten bits and pieces, but it's such a blessing to see God's hand in it all.
    Hugs and much love, paisley

  2. My heartbreakes reading your pain in the words you wrote!!!
    I know everyday in life is a second chance or time to change the way you live for God. You seem like your are far closer to him!!! I dont know if I could handle that kind of pain and still feel so close to him!!!!
    I pray that the emotional healing you still going thru is moving to a better place day by day!!!


  3. I am so sorry for your loss! I have no idea the amount of pain that must be causing you still.

  4. I saw your comment on Kendra's blog and came over to read your blog.
    I want to express my condolences. I am so very sorry for you.
    May you be blessed in your sorrow and have peace in your home.

  5. thank you for the kind thoughts.

    My body is back to "normal" but my heart still hurts. I find myself thinking "I should be __ weeks right now...". I have several friends due when I was and find myself avoiding their updates. Peace would be very good right now!

    Still no decisions on what we will do in the future but we do know nothing permanent.

    In Christ~
    Mrs T


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