November 30, 2010

on my mind and heart tonight

if one is not being blessed by God with what He calls "blessings"
then are you cursed?

My heart hurts so much tonight for the want of a blessing in my arms.
It has been almost 1 year since I was suprised with a pregnancy that ended too soon.
Add to that the 1 yr anniversary of our loss it is also my 2 yr post-op anniversary (in Feb)
DOUBLE KICK to the ovaries and heart!
 I sit here waiting for a DR appointment in 2 days (Dec 2) that could answer
WHY my body doesn't work right
IF cancer is causing it.
everything I can find online and talking to health gurus says it probably is.
TOTALLY treatable normally but still scary as all get out

Tears are burning my eyes so I am going to bed. Oldest daughter broke her big toe this weekend and tomorrow is her re-check with her PCP and Bub is sick. No time in this house for emotional mommies.

Only my trust and faith in God will get me through this

We saw the DR today and oldest broke a chip off her big toe bone but missed breaking the growth plate!
Dr said nothing to be done except to change how ER had us wrapping the toe.. now we are applying direct pressure to the chip to get it to reattach. DR heard Bub was sick so he pulled his chart...
Bub has a mild case "Whooping  Cough" :(
it was to be expected since he is allergic to the DTaP shot and unvaxed (with DR's consent)

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry for the health scare piled onto the bitter anniversaries.

    I don't think you are being cursed by not having given birth again. Just because God isn't giving us the answer we want, doesn't mean we are being punished.

    I would love to get pregnant. In 6 yeas of marriage, it hasn't happened. We cannot afford to do any type of fertility treatments, nor do we feel that is something we should be doing at this point in our lives. However, we have adopted 5 amazing kids. They are my blessings. They didn't come from my womb. We share no genetic link. Strangers would never assume they are 'my kids' just by looking at us together. But God wove a serious of unfortunate events together, so that their lives connected with ours.

    Their coming to us, through foster care, was filled with pain, anger, and regret, in many areas. Yet, God used the tragedy of what happened to bring us together as a new family.

    I often mourn the fact that I've never experienced pregnancy. I can't look at my child and say she has my eyes, my smile. I can't even walk down the street w/o someone assuming they are not my children. Yet, I am their mom. I haven't been there for every moment of their life, but I'm here now. God may never bless my womb with a child. But He has blessed my life with 5 children to call my own.

    Please, don't let this turn you from Him. It is sad and it is okay to mourn. I really don't feel that God is cursing you with these pains, these loses. He is refining you as you walk through this fire.

    I will pray that the news on Thursday is not devastating. I pray you get some answers as to what is not working right. I also pray for your acceptance in whatever that answer may be.

    Many hugs and prayers.


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"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:27

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