August 4, 2009

struggling with losing faith/trust

I hope this makes sense. It really doesn't make sense in my own head.

I have always been able to trust in God for things like housing, food, job for Hubby, sick children. I have never had issue with that. At times it made people upset with me because I just knew God would provide so why worry. Yes, it was hard to just lean on Him and wait...I am not a patient person most times. My 'trust' was the glue that kept us from falling apart before Hubby accepted Christ. Don't get me wrong I was NOT walking with God, I was NOT reading my Bible, I was as far from Him as could be but still I knew deep inside He was there and it would be OK.

Since Hubby came to faith last year I am really struggling. The stronger he gets the weaker and more lost I feel. I don't get it. I am so excited to see him grow in Jesus and as leader in our family. So why do I feel this way?!

When I had my surgery in February my faith crashed. I go to a grace based church and yet 'punishment' thoughts started to seep into my mind. I praise God I am whole again and in the same breath I cry out that I am under punishment from having my tubes tied in the first place. I know there are natural consequences to my first surgery and my reversal that are not of God but just the physical effects of messing with my body.

I have always wanted more children and Hubby was never quite on board. He always said an 'oops' was great but he was done. He has since changed his mind and put our fertility in God's control and even spoken out about it to people who think Hubby should get 'snipped' I said he is growing! :)

And here I am hurting. I struggle with my faith that we will be blessed again. We never had troubles getting pregnant even on birth control or when we wanted it. Now we have left this to God for almost 6 months and nothing. Am I being punished? Do I accept that the child bearing part of my life is over? Do I just accept that I damaged my tubes beyond repair? How do I have faith? How do I trust? Do I walk in infertility now so that I may feel others pain? Is this a test? Cause if so I am failing! My heart hurts so bad!

It is still so easy for me to trust Him for everything else...this is my weakness. I can't seem to "let go and let God." I have so much guilt. I cried out to Jesus to free me and forgive me and I don't feel He hears me.

Hubby tells me if and when it is God's time we will have a baby. He tells me I am still healing and I should relax. He reminds me the Dr said there was no reason for me to not conceive because my surgery was a success and my tubes are a good length. He prays with me that I may find peace. All he says I understand in my head but it doesn't get to my heart. My heart still cries this is my fault and I am not worthy to be blessed.

I listen to Andrew Wommack and his teaching about our words being life and death. I beat myself up for the words I use over my body and that maybe that is why things are the way they are.

I hurt. I blame myself. I feel like I am losing my faith somehow.
I feel like a fake because I can praise God all day long and trust Him to provide everything but this. I feel the pulling away from my church and friends because of this. I am not reading my Bible. I still pray and I listen to praise music. But actively seeking Him... sigh...I am so lost in how when I don't feel worthy and I am not/can not(?) cast my burdens on Jesus.

Please pray for me and if you have scripture or words of wisdom I would love to hear it.

I am ETA-
this is NOT about having another baby really. This is about not being able to give up this burden to God. It is about losing myself in despair as I think "I did this to myself, therefore I deserve nothing including forgiveness or blessing." It is about having something in my life that causes me to distance myself from God and His word. A weakness, a sin, a shutting out of those that can offer advice and prayer because "they don't want to hear it" or "they don't/won't understand because I *DO* trust in all other areas"...


  1. Just a gentle hug for you today...

  2. May god bring you peace. I will be praying for you. You need to get back into the Word! Even if it is just a little bit per day - you really need to hear what God is telling you right now.

    You will hear some people preach that you just need to "listen to the Holy Spirit". I know you know this, but the Word of God was inspired by the Holy Spirit so everything you read in the bible is considered "listening" to the Holy Spirit.

    I fell into the trap of not reading my bible and you can see what happened to my life because of it. Again, it is so very important to be in the Word on a daily basis!

    Take care,

  3. Hello, thanks for sharing. I understand a crushing blow. It is like trusting God is easy for most things except for this "one thing." For me it is a day-by-day struggle- sometimes trust, sometimes despair & torment- and it is ongoing. God has told me he is sovereign. David Wilkerson messages are helpful, also a book "Crook in the Lot" by Thomas Boston. Blessings-Carl.


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Words of Faith

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:27

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5