just might get to be a Daddy again

I am sitting here at 1am on January 20, 2010 shaking so hard I can barely type but I must get this down!

Sunday I knew something was up when I bawled my way through church. Big tears...nonstop  happy tears. I was overwhelmed by the Spirit as I sang and just let them fall as I praised my God. I had been queasy with acid for a day or so and my favorite foods and beloved Cola made me ill. I poas Jan 19 and 18th and it was BFN. Today I took the test out, I know I know, and there was 2 faint BFPs on 2 different types of tests. "EVAP" I declared.

So Tuesday night I settled into bed with the movie "The Velveteen Rabbit" and bawl my way through. I am not a weepy person so I was like "hmmm??" And the urge to poas again was STRONG so I did. Within 30 seconds there was a faint BFP on the Answer Early! I am STUNNED! OVER JOYED! BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE!

Sunday night Hubby and I were having a chat about giving our fertility to God (Hubby gave God control just weeks after my surgery and *I* thought I had too). I told him the sermon that day (Daniel ch 4) was very convicting for me. I realized I had not given everything to God. *I* had controlled each pregnancy. Yes, HE opened my womb but I made sure to do everything in *MY* power to fill it. Then *I* had made sure *I* closed it with ligation.  Even now 10 mo 4 wks post-op from my reversal *I* was still thinking..."if I chart", "if I take vitex" "if I use the progesterone cream" then *I* can speed things up cause God is not on my time table. OUCH. Repent I did. 2+ hours in the car talking to Hubby as I confessed and repented of my foolish pride.


So hear I sit. The only one up in the house. The test laying on the piano in front of me. So happy I can't stop shaking! So scared at the same time because I know what loss is.  I am going to go praise my Father and Creator of ALL Life now.

I had to get this all out so I will REMEMBER.

Not *I* but *GOD*