January 22, 2012

2 years now

Not sure anyone but me cares anymore but this is the 2 year anniversary of finding out we were expecting our reversal baby. We had 2 weeks of enjoying that baby before we found out the baby was in my left tube and it was rupturing requiring surgery in Feb.  My  heart hurts still. I look around and think about the little 15 month old that should be toddling around my house getting into trouble with the other kids. I've been crying a bunch this week. No one really understans why I still mourn especially for such an early loss. I've watched my reversal sisters that shared my EDD go on to have their precious bundles and a few have another on the way. And I still have empty arms.

The younger kids still pray at times for another baby during bedtime prayers. My oldest doesn't think prayer works anymore.  She has prayed for the 3 yrs since my reversal for a baby and since I haven't managed to get pregnant or keep a pregnancy she thinks God doesn't care or hear her. Her faith is shaking. THAT breaks my heart. We have talked to her that God DOES hear but His plans might not include a new baby here on earth. She quotes scriptures to us about "ask and it will be given" and "babies are a blessing" so she feels we are not blessed or in His will. God that hurts to hear her say that! I don't know what to say.

I'm crying again. I've cried so much today I have a massive headache.
If anyone hears and cares I would love you to lift us up in prayers. Lord knows I need them.


  1. Praying Autumn. I know what it's like to still mourn the loss of a child and I'll be lifting you up sister! Love ya!! We need to get together again soon :)

  2. Here is a precious poem that means the world to me.Praying for you.

    Just Those Few Weeks

    For those few weeks--

    I had you to myself

    And that seems too short a time

    to be changed so profoundly.

    In those few weeks--

    I came to know you

    and to love you.

    You came to trust me with your life.

    Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

    Just those few weeks--

    When I lost you.

    I lost a lifetime of hopes,

    plans, dreams, and aspirations...

    A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

    Just those few weeks--

    It wasn't enough time to convince others

    how special and important you were.

    How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

    and no one is mourning the passing.

    Just a mere few weeks--

    And no "normal" person would cry all night

    over a tiny, unfinshed baby,

    or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

    No one would, so why am I?

    You were just those few weeks my little one

    you darted in and out of my life too quickly.

    But it seems that's all the time you needed

    to make my life so much richer

    and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

    Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez


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Words of Faith

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:27

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5