February 24, 2010


It has been 3 weeks to the day that we said goodbye to our baby. It hurts so much still! I cry all the time. I have gained weight because I am comfort eating. I snap at my children because I am so tense and angry with myself for having my tubes tied in the first place. I know I am depressed and I am seeing a counselor. He says I have been through the other stages of grief so this is the "end" part. Oh man, how long will this last!?

I have stopped attending church functions. I don't go out much. I don't like the way people look at me who know what happened. Mostly they look at me with pity or are just afraid to say the wrong thing. I am scared they look at me and think we "chose" to end a life (abortion) instead of we saved my life by doing the surgery. The baby stood no chance of making it. My beta numbers were already dropping having not even barely moved after 3 days from 1354 that first trip to ER on Sunday to 1700s at surgery on Wednesday.

We prayed so hard for that baby when we found out we were expecting. Prayers that seemed to go unanswered. I don't know why God didn't intervene. I don't know why I am having to go through this. I do know God is here with me and He is in control. I just wish I had answers NOW instead of waiting til heaven for them.

I am typing with tears burning my eyes and face. My head is pounding. My heart is aching. The hormones are gone and my body is bad to "normal" and that just makes it worse.

I am thinking of all the things I should be doing... I should be buying maternity clothes.  I should be planning my midwife's payments not the monsterous hospital bills piling up. I should be nesting, decorating, preparing, happy, queasy, tired from the work of growing a baby...

I'm crying harder now.

oh Lord Jesus it hurts so much! I am crying out to You for comfort! Do you hear me?!


  1. I hear you and I'm praying for you right now. Praying for God to wrap his loving arms around you and to comfort you at this moment. You know he loves you and he will get you through this. Hold on to your children, tell them how much you love them. They need you and you need them. You will always have an angel in Heaven. It's ok to cry. That's how we purge the sadness from our souls. My thoughts and prayer will be with you. God Bless you and your family.

  2. Im crying right along with you!!! my heart breaks everytime I hear the pain your are facing!!!

    I felt the same way when I had my baby taken from me!!! Why was God not with me, why didnt he help, Why werent our prayers answered!!!! I think even today with having another one I still think "why"... what was it that I did that was so wrong for my husbands first Child to die like that!!! we were so happy and then for it to be taken away like that still hurts!!!
    I could never comprehend the pain that flows thru you right now...I only understand very little!!!
    But I will always be around for you to talk to to about anything you need to talk about!!!
    And I will continue praying for you healing process!!! HUGS!!!!


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Words of Faith

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" -Matthew 6:27

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5